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Hi LizbethAnn!

Your comment in The Cafe ("Wondered if there is anything else I need to do to let you guys get to know me.") is easily answered for me: continue to write, please!

Beyond the use of "learned" in L1 (should it be "leaned"?) and the non-capitalised start of L11 (is that supposed to be a thought to yourself and thus the lower-case letter?) and perhaps adding a pausing comma after "mine" in L4, there is nothing else to do but sit back and throughly enjoy your "Breath."

The welcome candor of your personal reverie is refreshing and stimulating to all senses, in like manner to this word portrait of two lovers. Wonderfully mature in its wording and imagery, I find myself reading the personal thoughts of someone's self-gratification as comfortably as looking out any window, without embarrassment or judgement.

Whether or not the lips of your whisperer recall the lines of that ear, or their tongue the taste of a name, I have no doubt they indeed have cravings, and they are not all in dreams.

Wonderful, and I am becoming a fan of LizbethAnn.

Hi again, LizbethAnn!

Looks like you've got a winner with this one; most comments support this effort from you.

I have to respectfully disagree with Cher (for whom I have all admiration as a writer) on omitting some words, however, as doing so removes (to me) crucial elements of this wordie.

In dropping "leaned," the image becomes one of someone standing straight up against a tiled wall, whereas leaving it in adds both a level of uncertain stress and curious speculation about why someone is leaning. It's a tile wall, assumed to be in a bathroom or shower; places with tile walls, right? What is happening, and why is someone leaning that way with only his or her forehead against it? What are they doing? No one stands straight up against a tile wall, do they? The mind wonders and seeks guidance.

Omitting "my" opens speculation that isn't satisfied by any portion of the presentation, anywhere. Is someone else stationed against that wall? Are there others? Is the echo just a memory of someone's breath? I believe "my" is critical to the line and the work as a whole.

Cher did include "sweet" in her suggested revision, though it was earlier marked for removal. It, too, is critical to the deeper understanding and appreciation of the writer's thoughts. "Sweet" in this instance indicates welcomed, desired and deeply longed-for intimacy with the absent lover. I hope you understand my meanings.

The suggested reconstruction into separate stanzas is disjointing to the flow, though this one (I feel) enhances the imagery....

"Do your lips remember the
lines of my ear? Your tongue
the taste of my name?"

...with space above and below this single verse helping to define the writer's thoughts. It reads differently yet still retains the private, personal flowing thoughts of someone in a deep reverie of remembrance. Always did, though.

The last portion shouldn't be broken with a dash between "dream" and "crave," as it calls for a longer pause than I feel you originally intended, or the piece requires. It's part of a flowing statement, even though the phrase "crave me" stands on its own line. "Crave me" (as you originally presented it) comes across as a continuation of a thought, yet presented on its own line indicates that the writer is asking (hoping?) to be desired in a very passionate manner, by someone.

I think "Breath" is wonderfully demonstrative in its original form, and none of the suggested changes made by anyone removes your intent to any significant degree. The power of your words and their evocative phrasing are too strong to be lost --- but these are only my own thoughts.

My admiration and respect to you and all who have contributed their thoughts and suggestions to this piece. I await the reading of your own final decision. Take a deep breath and have a great day!

Thank you, too, Cher --- for creating a place where we can all engage in open, constructive pursuit of our desires as writers! What would we do without The Versifier?

Whoa, LizbethAnn!

The restructured verse

"Do your lips remember
the lines of my ear? Your tongue
the taste of my name?"

was Cher's idea, which I may not have made clear in my last post. While I certainly think she and I share some ideas about poetry, once you get past the "moon in June" point, she's head and heels more informed and competent that I am.

That said, I think it's great that so many folks are adding their suggestions and comments here. Thanks for the encouraging words, but Cher's the one who deserves 'em for this portion!